Fearing and God - Not Fearing God

I just love music. Isn’t it so great when a song just speaks to you where you are? It happens to me all the time and it’s always the most powerful thing to me. Today’s soundtrack is Coldplay and the sound is tunneling through my ears, climbing down my spine and leaping over to my heart, which is starting to beat at the slow tempo of “Fix You” from the X&Y album. As I wait at Starbucks (seems like the only one in Utah), I am reflecting on the last month. How much of a wild journey I’ve been on – how much I feel different from one month ago. I feel as if at this moment, I am capable of fighting off the demons that I am battling inside myself. The demons of pessimism, addiction to consumption and instant gratification, the demon of Anxiety which I have come to understand a little more in the last few days thanks to an awesome talk with my brother around the campfire on our last night in Zion, and the demon of Fear.

Just four days ago, I hiked through “Hidden Canyon”, which felt at the time like a strenuous hike along cliffs. I didn’t know what other treks were still in store. I think we hiked about 2.5 miles round trip on that one. Down a long, narrow canyon, I fought this fear of small spaces – my claustrophobia. I feared that there was no way out here if something bad were to happen.

 But at the same time, I was so caught by the beauty of the red sandstone cliffs that went straight up.

Three days ago, I hiked the trail to Angels Landing, one of the most popular hikes in the National Park system (meaning there are a lot of insane people in the world). It was a five mile hike (Though it felt like they forgot to put a “1” in front of that 5) that ascends more than 1700 feet and for the last half mile or so, there are 800 to 1000 foot cliffs on either side of the trail. For someone who is afraid of the high dive at the public pool, this wasn’t the ideal hike. At the top, cliffs hung all around me and the only escape back down felt like a sliver that was hard enough to climb up, so I can’t imagine trying to scale back down it. But at some 

point at the top, my fear of heights just leapt over the cliff without me, because I was so awestruck by the view of an itty-bitty river below and the little white specs that kind of resembled the busses we rode up to the trailhead – I’m still not convinced that that’s what they were, they just couldn’t have been that small and far away. My photos remind me over and over again that yes, I did make that climb.

Then, Just two days ago, I hiked down the Subway in Kolob Canyon, which was a 9 mile hike through narrow canyons which required me to wade - and sometimes swim - through freezing water, climb rocks, and rappel down cliffs. It took us a little less than 8 hours to complete this trek, and this time I was not only battling claustrophobia and fear of heights, but I was exhausted from the previous days’ hikes and wasn’t sure if I could accomplish this whole thing; I had a “failure-phobia”. About a mile or two into the hike, there’s really no way to turn back so I had to complete the whole thing or spend the night in a cold canyon with no sleeping bag or tent. After each big obstacle, I gained more confidence and more energy and eventually the pure euphoria of it all - laughing with the group I was with, and taking moments to just appreciate the sun after dropping down from a small waterfall into the 40 some degree water – all of this took over once again and we all made it to the end. 

Tonight, I get on a plane back home – a place that felt like a trap a month ago. I have had mixed feelings about heading back to San Diego. I am so afraid that when I get home, I will go back to the same exact mode and be depressed and lost. I am afraid that the moment I see a store, I will become an addicted consumer again (then again, here I am in Starbucks so... maybe it’s already started). I am afraid that I will get caught up in a fake, selfish life again and lose the connection I made with so many of my family members on this trip – my grandparents, and aunts, and my brother. I am so afraid for this little journey to be over.

So, I listen to my soundtrack and some of the words leap out at me:

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you.

 

So, what is this? I feel like it could be a letter. Maybe from a friend? Or a family member? But maybe it’s a letter from God. Who knows, but I feel like these words are today’s anthem. I am heading home to a place I love. I feel like my bones are ignited with the light of a new persona. I’m not fixed, but part of my mentality is fixed. My journey did not start when I left San Diego and is not defined by the time I was away from home. My journey has been ongoing and continues.

When I think about Zion, I can’t stop thinking about the meaning of that name. It represents so many things, but on the whole, it generally holds a meaning of “God’s place”, or “a sanctuary”, or “a Holy Place”, even “ Kingdom of Heaven”. A section of Zion National Park is called Kolob canyon, which was named by the Mormon settlers. In Mormon theology, Kolob is the place where God Dwells. In any case, the feeling we are trying to get here is that this place seems to naturally bring out a spirituality and feeling of God’s presence. But, in my growing theology, I don’t know that God has a specific “dwelling place”. God, himself dwells in all things. How was it that on those crazy treks this last week I got over my fears? I did it because I was overcome by the grandeur of God’s presence all around me. I wonder if I can take that with me home. I wonder if I can start to recognize God’s presence on a larger scale; not only in the mountains, but also in the city, in my home, in my hands and feet. Maybe this is what the song meant, “High up above or down below.” I wonder if I can work on that, if I can do that, how many other fears can I continually overcome each day?

I become more and more convinced each day that our calling as children of God is to learn how to breathe Him in, how to live in Him as He lives in us. Churches are preaching that our calling is to make sure everyone is “saved” and push our religion in everyone’s face, and make sure that sinners know they are sinners and don’t belong in our churches unless they change. All of those things are so easy to do in comparison to allowing God to really reach us and allowing Him to truly forgive us, and allowing ourselves to forgive others and forgive ourselves. It is so much more than material actions.

In my growing theology, I believe that rather than doing God’s work, if we allow God in – truly allow him in – He will work through us – through our hands and feet and hearts, not through condemning voices. See, in my experience, voices bounce off the ears more often than not. Voices of forceful preaching, condemnation, or conditional love. And by telling someone they need Jesus or else they will go to Hell, I believe that first of all you might be lying to them (we can talk about that later), but most importantly, nothing changes. Most often, you reach def ears, and nothing moves in them and nothing moves in you. But when you just allow God to work through you – meaning He will offer someone a helping hand, a listening ear, or a loving voice, through you - There will ALWAYS be some sort of movement. Not only in that other person, but in yourself.

It is time to refuse to Fear. Our government has been using fear for too long; fear of terrorism. They use it because they are the ones who are truly afraid. Our churches have been using fear far too long; fear of Hell. And they use it because they are the ones who are truly afraid. We have been fearful for far too long; fearful of failure. We are the ones who are truly afraid of letting God in. But God says to us,  “do not fear, for I am God.” Look at the creations, at the wonders of God and we must not fear because fear has never taken us anywhere, but God takes us to new heights – literally and mentally. I know harm can come, but when we are in God and He is in us, even death is not really harmful, is it?

In this Blog:

Zion National Park

Thoughts about my family

From 4-22-08

Have you ever wished that your life was a little worse? I mean, I’m thinking about when I saw the musical, Avenue Q and one of the first songs was “It sucks to be me”. Have you ever just sat and listened to everyone around you explain how crappy their job is and you just want to one-up them? Or how annoying their in-laws are, and you want to tell them about how yours are worse than theirs? Well, I have to admit that there have been many times in my life where I sit and listen to people describe their upbringing and their dysfunctional families, and I reach and reach for something to say so that I can steal the pitty party, but I always end up bowing out of that one. And it’s kind of sad, because the truth is, I’ve always felt so lucky that I had such a great upbringing but I felt guilty to say it to anyone. I felt like I’d be bragging. There’s kind of a certain place in social environments where you’re actually cooler for having a worse life. Like you have more credibility for having gone through rough times. It’s true that you learn a lot when you have a rough life. You learn how to cope much quicker. You learn the hard parts of life. But I think when we start to think that that’s the only way to learn, we miss a lot. When we continually try to learn from all the wrong ways to do things, sure we eventually find the right way, but there’s a quicker way to find the right way – Learn from people who have experienced it, who have done it already, who have accomplished such great things. There is so much to learn from our own families.

Today, I can’t hold it back anymore. I can’t resist. I hate to brag, but it just won’t stay in anymore. I have the coolest, greatest, awesomest family in the world –EVER! I don’t care who you are, I mean Menasseh and Ephraim, the sons of Joseph could come to me today and tell me about how their father interpreted dreams, and I’d still say my family is cooler. It would take me days to truly explain how hard working, loving and giving both of my parents are and what a success story they are in the arena of life, love, and family, I don’t know if I could ever describe how deep my older brothers are and how they both have guided me so much. I can’t emphasize how all of my cousins are so talented and accomplished, how my dad’s sister is so talented and compassionate, how my mom’s sisters are so experienced and perceptive. I will never be able to chronicle the stories of my grandparents – all four of them – who gave of themselves in different ways, whether it was fighting in the military to stop the holocaust, or choosing not to fight out of a belief in peaceful resolution, or helping to raise their grandchildren, or serving in a church for little pay and no pension.

So here I am, the youngest son of the family, the youngest cousin, the youngest grandson. I have the unique pleasure and opportunity to learn from them all. I have been given such a lucky life and though I am sure all of those that I mentioned wish at times they did more, or did things differently, I see them as successful role models. What a travesty it would be if I ignored their stories out of pity for people who feel screwed by life or because I am afraid people will think I am lucky to have a great family or that my opinions are less pertinent because I haven’t experienced the sucky parts of life. No, I am going to be proud of the stories.