My painting, "Palms and the Sunset"
I've been marinating in a pool of depression for way too long. I sleep all day and can't find motivation to get up. I stare at the TV watching re-runs of old shows and I beg myself to get up and do something. I have so many options. I can beg my old boss to give me my job back even though I walked out on him and everyone. I can get a new job. I can go back to school. I can join a mission group and help people. I can run to the mountains and just be alone (this is my favorite one). But each time I think of a new idea, it strangely does not help me get up. It only makes me pull my blanket back over myself and sink a little further into my mattress. Why does that happen? Maybe because I start putting together the logistics of what I need to do to make each option happen, and I give up because it's either too much work or I know someone is going to try to talk me out of it, or I know it will hurt someone. Maybe because more options mean more chances to screw things up. I feel like I have to plan out what I do, it's the logical way to make a decision. But at this point I'm so sick of planning. Planning to me is now like building a sand castle. What the hell does it accomplish? The water is going to come and wash it away. I've built some pretty damn cool sand castles in my life, and the water washes them away. The last one I built wasn't just washed away. Like, usually a wave comes and hits the front of the castle and fills up the moat with water and you're stoked. Then another wave comes and you go, "Shit, the tides coming in, let's go home" then slowly it's taken out over the next 15 minutes. No, the last castle I built was fucking demolished. The whole thing. Those of you who know me think I'm talking about one thing- let's call it the Keep, the center of the castle. But I'm not just talking about that. I mean the Keep was the best part of it all, but there were all these other great parts of the castle. I built the biggest fucking castle I could imagine - and it was perfect. It was just the castle I wanted. Have you ever had a sand castle make it all the way to sunset without the tide taking it? Like, you're just sitting there and you decide not to leave the beach yet because your castle is still standing? There's the sunset and the waves and the beach and your castle. Then finally you leave and the castle is still standing and you'll never know if it gets taken out. I don't know if that's ever happened to me, but man I always imagined how cool that would be.
What's worse- having shitty things happen to you your whole life, or living what seems to be such an amazing life, and being so blessed by God, and feeling like one moment it all went to shit? I feel so selfish for being depressed, for being sad, for feeling lonely. And feeling that I'm selfish makes me feel more depressed and more sad and more lonely because I've prided myself on being selfless my whole life. So many people, even close friends are going through so much more pain than I am right now. I mean whether it's physical pain, or losing a family member, or losing their 5th job this year. And here I am throwing out the greatest opportunity I could possibly get just because I'm depressed. How frustrating.
I feel claustrophobic in this city, in this house, in this room, in this body. Now that I think about it, I like that analogy of marinating. It's hopeful I guess because you marinate meat in a mixture that you would never want to eat by itself, in fact it sometimes smells like shit, but after it's been sitting there, you cook that meat and it's not so much the marinade that tastes good, but the way it compliments the meat; it is delicious and tender and flavorful. Maybe I'm getting ready to throw myself on the grill now and all this depression has just been getting out some pain and really processing some anger and in the end I will be stronger and have a new identity- because I completely lost my last identity nine months ago.
I don't know where I'm going to end up, but it can't get much worse than it is here. I'd rather be homeless in New York than lifeless in San Diego. I sure love this city. I'll be back. But right now the city I love so much is tainted with memories that are all too wonderful.
So, I go. Hopefully I do so with few questions asked. I don't know what it is that I'm looking for, but I'm tired of waiting. I don' t know if I'm going to find anything, but I have decided that it is time to go. I was born and raised in San Diego, and though I've traveled all over the US, I've never lived anywhere else. One week from today, I leave for the East coast. I regret having told anyone though because I get the same questions, "Why? What will you do there? How long are you staying? Is this a trip or a move? Are you excited?". The answer is: I don't know. The only emotion I have is dullness - if that can even be categorized as an emotion. I'm frustrated with life, with myself, even with God. But, I believe in Him. I believe He loves me still, even though I don't love myself. So if you are a friend or family and you don't hear from me, or I don't call you back, please don't take it personally. I don't feel like talking these days. Actually, I don't feel like listening to opinions about what I should do. I want to just wrestle with God for a while and not plan anything, and see where I end up. This blog will be my communication and updates. So while I'm not interested in too much conversation on this journey I'm taking, I will appreciate prayer.
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