What is my substance? Have I spent it well? I just came across these thoughts that I wrote in a notebook about a year ago, and they've gotten me thinking again:
September, 2006
Does fairness really matter to God? I grew up thinking so. Being the youngest of three brothers, fairness was what I used to try and get my way. If my brother got it, I needed it too. Of course, I always thought I had the short end of the stick. You couldn't convince me that I was the spoiled younger brother. I remember one summer in high school, I worked with my dad off an on in our backyard. We were layering the hillside with these cement retaining walls. My duty was to carry huge cement blocks, and bags of concrete from the front yard to the hill so that Dad could build the walls. I worked for $5 an hour, which I felt I was doing partially as charity. Feeling like I had done something good with my time all summer, I felt very disappointed at the end of the summer when my brother was awarded with his own computer, but I didn't think he earned it. I didn't think it was fair.
About a year ago, I was in an art class, and I was given an assignment to go to a local a
rt museum and analyze a painting. I went to the Timken Museum of Art in Balboa park and I stumbled upon this painting of The Prodigal Son. I knew the story from the Bible, and I began to think about what was going on in this painting. After a minute or so, I started to get frustrated because I realized this paining was missing an important character; the brother. I thought, "how can they leave out the son who had been there all along, who had stayed and tended the flocks and worked so hard?" At first, I related to this brother - not in the sense that my brother is a prodigal or anything, but in the sense that I felt it was so unfair. Then I began to tell the story over again in my head. I remembered the point of the story. I remembered how at the end of the story, the father told the other son, "look, your brother is back. This is something to rejoice over." But I don't know that the other brother could have been satisfied with that. How would he let go of the unfairness? How could he be happy that his son, who had basically stolen from his father, was now welcomed with a feast?
I wrote my paper and continued to struggle with this for a few months. Then, one day I was riding with a married couple who goes to my church and I just felt like asking them a question that I always wondered about. I asked, "How do you two handle finances. I mean, if one of you wants to buy a new toy or go out with a friend for a dinner, how do you justify it? Is it a Quid pro quo deal?" I felt certain that this is how it worked for couples, but the wife gave me a surprising answer. She said, "We don't really see it that way. You see, we're a team, not opponents. When he wanted to get his pilot's license, I knew it would make him happy, so it makes me happy. But I didn't need something in return to make it fair."
This conversation continued and made me think for weeks. I thought, what if I used this mentality towards my family? I realized that my family is my team. Whatever things my brother experienced, that I didn't get to experience helped him to be who he is- and that's a win for our team.
So here's the point after all of that. I have had a lot of conversations lately about Hell. I struggle with the idea that it even exists or that people go there. In all my conversations, the argument I hear is that it wouldn't be fair if everyone got to go to heaven. I began to think, if God wants us to be a community, to be a church family, then why are we so bent on excluding each other from God's grace? Why do some churches call this a "race"? Doesn't God want us to be a team with all the people around us? It shouldn't be about what's fair, but it should just be about grace.
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* It's been over a year since I wrote this, and some thoughts have changed. I got to thinking lately that I have not been really living out my beliefs in regards to fairness. I still struggle with my desire to have what everyone else has, because it's only fair. Because of this, I have not fully given of myself the way I should as a Christian. Maybe after all, it turns out that I am the prodigal son myself. I am him because I have been squandering my substance; the ability that God gave me to give love and give grace on a daily basis.
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